


In An Ideal World

by HurricaneShepherdess



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Amezona, Bisexual, F/F, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, Lesbian, moody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-27 06:35:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30118647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HurricaneShepherdess/pseuds/HurricaneShepherdess
Summary: You Would Be Mine Once Again.This story contains depictions and fear of homophobia, so if you're sensitive to that then please read this book with caution, thank you!An Amezona fanfic where a closeted Amelia Shepherd ends up meeting an old friend Arizona Robbins when she moves to Seattle in order to become closer to her brother, Derek Shepherd. All her old feelings come washing back and she wonders if remaining closeted should really be her main concern; or if her feelings for Arizona should be.Based halfway through season 7 in an AU where Arizona isn't with Callie and instead, she's single.
Relationships: Arizona Robbins/Amelia Shepherd
Kudos: 3





	1. In

Amelia's POV

In my ideal world, being gay would be okay. I would be able to be with the one whom I love the most, without dealing with criticism from every person whom passes me on the streets. I can't hold another girl's hand in public and kissing is most definitely forbidden. Even though I don't care about other people's judgements, I still can't bare to deal with their insults for some odd reason. I should be brave and suck it up but it's hard sometimes, when everyone is using one word, one label to define your entire being, I just wish being bisexual was normal and I could just love who I wanted.

All of these judgements are the one reason I have never been with a woman, kissed a woman, held a woman's hand or even slept with a woman; except for one. Even though I find them gorgeous, I'm just too scared so I hide behind handsome young men who really don't deserve to deal with me. My biggest fear is telling a woman I like her and them laughing and turning away; claiming they're straight or some nonsense like that. Nobody is open about things like this and it just makes my heart ache. It seems as though I need like a 'mama gay' or something to follow, as if I was a duckling.

I told my brother Derek a couple years ago, and even though he was supportive he still ended up muttering under his breath, "It may just be a phase, Amy." These words broke my heart and have haunted me even more than what the strangers' said and it's the main reason I've hidden away all this time. As much as he loves me and supports me, the fact that he assumed it was just another phase really hurt. I wanted to be just like him, how come he's allowed to be with women and I'm not?

The most terrifying part if I ever do come out is the rest of my family, though. My mother's silence and judgemental stares alongside my sisters' laughter and ridiculing would just make me feel even more worthless than I believe I am. If all these protesters claim that being anything other than straight is a choice; not just who you are, are bullshitters. I hate to use foul language like that, but they are. Why would I choose to be ridiculed and judged, I just don't understand. 

I've only ever been with one woman and that was my mentor, back in Hopkins. She was out as a lesbian and prideful, every year on pride month she would wear scrubs with the lesbian flag under her doctors coat. Some patients' parents got mad and well, that didn't work out well for them. Arizona would drag them out of the room and start scalding them about how it's a new, modernised society and how they shouldn't be homophobic as they were setting a bad example for their kids. She also made sure to add the statistic that 1 in every 3 people are a part of the LGBTQ+ community, and that if their kid grows up to be one of those they would want to feel wanted and loved, not scared and terrified.

That statistic has lingered with me ever since, poking at the back of my mind everywhere I go. Whenever I walk in a crowded street I try to think of how many people must be a part of the community, some closeted like me but some completely out like Arizona. I always wanted to be like Arizona, but I never had the courage and I moved programs before Arizona knew that I properly fell for her so in her eyes, I was probably just a fuckgirl.

Now I'm an attending and I've decided to move to Seattle to continue my career. I still think of Arizona, but the thoughts have began to fade over the years and my memories blurred. I'm in Seattle for one reason; Derek. Even though he sometimes says the wrong things and hurts my feelings, he's the best sibling I have and I think I'm his favourite sister. Apparently though, Derek got shot and decided not to tell me so, maybe we're not as close as I think.

I rented out a small apartment just down the road from Seattle Grace, I thought it would be convenient being super close and I really didn't want to be homeless and live in my car because well, last time that happened it didn't work out too well. I hopped out of my car and ran up the stairs like an eager little kid, placing the key in the lock and spinning it in eager anticipation to see what my new living space looked like.

I am not impressed.

What kind of roommate is this?

They're not here to greet me and the place is a mess.

Were they not expecting me?

This sucks! 

I walked in and sat on the couch, it's lumpy, of course. This just makes my day even better. 

I sigh in discontent and lie down on the couch, telling myself I'll just have a short, 5 minute nap. If my roommate wasn't here to greet me then why don't I scare whomever they were by sleeping on their couch. The bags under my eyes and my messy, scruffled hair will probably make them think that I'm some homeless crackhead. Well, the crackhead bit doesn't seem too inaccurate, considering I was a drug addict before I moved here.

After I looked past the lumpiness of the couch and the clutter that was gathered upon the tables, this place wasn't that bad though. It seemed very homely and smelled faintly of vanilla; a nostalgic smell for me that really brought me back to better times. I smiled to myself before falling asleep, maybe this place is better than it seemed at my first glance.


	2. An

A/N: Writing may be a bit off, I'm writing this in order to stay awake for grey's season 17 episode 7 premiere 💤 

Amelia's POV

Once I awoke, to my surprise it was already morning. I glanced around but I still didn't see my roommate anywhere in sight. I wondered where the heck they were and why they didn't stay the night at their apartment but I decided not to worry about it too much because I had to go to work.

I rolled off the couch and landed on the floor with a loud thump. "Ouch..." I grumbled and stood up, going to the bathroom to do my business. The amount of happy things in this house just seemed odd, even the normal things like my roommate's toothbrush just looked happy. I rolled my eyes a little, not used to seeing happy things so early in the morning and I left to head for work.

I hopped into my car where all my items still remained and I drove to the hospital, I was excited but also nervous. I wasn't sure how I felt about working with Derek, nor what his reaction would be when he found out I was here and wasn't going to leave. I wanted to see his new chick anyways, the one that made him leave Addison. I liked Addie, a lot, I just don't know why he chose this new mistress over her.

I mean, Addison did cheat on him with Mark; several times. But to his knowledge, it was only once, so what's the harm in that? I mean, I knew everything bad Derek had done to Addie, so I didn't mind to help her cover up. She didn't deserve to be stood up on dates or he blatantly ignored. I hope that's what happens this means adulterous bitch. I don't think I'll like her. 

I ultimately decided to not claim that I dislike her until I meet her, so I walk into the hospital confidentially and stride right over to the chief's office; like I knew the place even though I didn't. When walking in though, I heard a familiar voice.

"Thank you sir, you won't be disappointed." They said, sounding prideful and determined. They turned to walk out, and that's when they saw me.

We both stood there in shock, staring at each other. 

Wondering whom should speak first and what we should say.

"Arizona." I say quietly under my breath.

"Amelia." She copied, the shock as evident in her voice as it already was on her face.

"Oh Dr. Shepherd! Come in!" Richard smiled joyfully and waved his hand for me to go over. I took a deep breath and walked past Arizona and into his office. "Hello, sir. We talked on the phone." I was very polite and made sure to hide the thoughts that were now spiralling around my mind.

Why is she here?

Does she work here?

Why didn't Derek mention her?

"I see you've met Dr. Robbins, our head of paediatric surgery. I heard she went to Hopkins like you, too!" Richard said happily and Amelia's face dropped slightly, although she tried to hide it.

She works here.

This is her turf.

And I'm the intruder.

"A-ah yes I did, she seems very pleasant" I nodded in agreement before me and Richard began talking business. 

"Head of neurosurgery?" I gasped in a delighted shock, causing Richard to chuckle. "Well we need someone to take the job while Derek is healing; and whom better to take it than his little sister. You probably both have the smart gene mmm?" I just nodded in response to this, delighted but also scared that I basically just took Derek's job.

Once I walked out of his office I took a deep breath and leaned on the banister, looking down and all around the beautiful hospital. Maybe Seattle wasn't so bad after all, but I can't have Arizona here. She makes me feel way too many emotions in way too short of a time, and I don't want to end up falling for her again.

So, I walk down to the reception in a hunt for my brother; to tell him the brilliant news. "Where's Derek Shepherd?" I asked the receptionist but she just looked terrified. "What? I'm his sister. Amelia Shepherd?" I said, confused but she still looked terrified.

"She's with me" Arizona walked over to the reception and wrapped her arm around my shoulder. "Oh right, sorry" The receptionist apologised, waving her hands to try and prove she was actually sorry. Arizona began to walk with me beside her, and I had no clue what to do. 

"You see, ever since the shooting you can't go up and ask for a doctor like that; especially not him." Arizona explained while she walked up the stairs. I wasn't sure why we were going up the stairs or where she was bringing me, but she could have saved me from being arrested so I guess I have to give her a chance. 

"Just like how ever since you like disappeared out of bed one morning and didn't return; how I can't trust anyone anymore?" Arizona was very passive aggressive and it made me really anxious, so I started shaking a little. "He's in the staff room, here" Arizona grumbled, opening the door and practically pushing me in. 

I couldn't help but think about how much I hurt Arizona; things between me and her were going well, too well and I freaked out and ran. Of course I looked back, but I was too scared to go back by the time I did. I assumed she found someone else whom was better than me, but it seems as though she didn't.

"Heyyyy Derek!" I managed to laugh as I walked over to him, sitting on the couch next to him. "Amelia, what the hell are you doing here?" He asked, confused. I never usually went to visit so, that's probably why he was confused. 

"It's not Amelia anymore; it's head of neurosurgery." I smirked, waiting for him to blow up at me in a blind rage.


	3. Ideal

Amelia's POV

"What the hell do you mean, you stole my job?!?" Derek screamed, his face turning bright red in rage. I chuckled to myself at his reaction and just nodded, "Well nottt exactly, you see you aren't healthy enough to do so, so I'm going to take your job temporarily while you can't" I smiled to myself, placing my hands on my hips in pride.

Derek just rolled his eyes angrily in response and I sat on the couch beside him, wrapping my arms around his shoulder and giving him a half hug. Derek just grumbled in response so I ruffled his hair a little.

"Hey, why didn't you tell me Arizona was here?" I asked when she pulled away, leaning against the other side of the couch. Derek stared at me in confusion, "We haven't spoken in ages, and why would it have been relevant?" Derek tilted his head in confusion. "Well we haven't spoken because someone won't answer my phone calls, and oh I don't know" I growled and then shrugged, trying to hide the pink on my face.

Derek shrugged back, obviously trying to ignore that my face had turned pink. "I'm still really mad at you, can you just... leave?" Derek asked and I nodded, standing up. "I'll go to my new apartment, I'm not leaving Seattle though. See you" I waved and left, walking right out to my car. 

I drove straight to my new apartment building, wondering if my roommate would actually be home today or if they basically don't exist. I dreaded the part where I introduced myself, and that's why I had it all planned in my head; so I wouldn't screw it up.

'Hi, you must be my new roommate. My name is Amelia Shepherd, (now-head) neurosurgeon at Seattle Grace hospital. May be home at random hours but that was sorted when I signed the contract. I don't like pickles and uh yeah.' I'd chuckle and scratch the back of my head. But, most things never went according to plan for me so planning all that was probably a load of bogus.

I took a deep breath in and sighed it out, already nervous about the encounter as I got out of my car and began to walk up the stairs. I wondered if it was some weirdo, or if it was someone I knew; although that would be highly unlikely. I arrived at my apartment and spun the key in the door, easily opening it and I was shocked by what I saw. 

It was her.

Sprawled out across the couch which I had slept on earlier.

Her eyes beginning to flutter open as I drop my keys onto the floor, resulting in a loud crashing noise.

"Amelia, what the hell?" They grumbled, rubbing their eyes and then looking up at me once again, to make sure I was really there.

"Arizona?" I gasped in shock, finally deciding to speak. Arizona sat up on the couch and stared at me in a shocked, tired and confused state.

"What are you doing here?" Arizona asked, covering herself up with a blanket as if she had been exposed; even though she was wearing her scrubs. Poor girl must have been exhausted from working so hard last night; no. I will not think 'poor girl', I can't, no.

"This is my apartment." I barked back at her, pretending to be angry even though I really wasn't. Arizona gasped and covered her mouth with her hands, obviously the realisation kicking in that I was the new roommate she had found online. 

"This isn't going to work, Ames" Arizona sighed and rubbed her temples, using the old nickname she had for me even though I don't think I deserve it anymore. She doesn't deserve to call me nicknames after I put her through so much; probably. I feel so bad for hurting her, but I'm scared I'll end up doing it once again the second things get hard.

"I know." I responded, even though that wasn't what I wanted to say that's the words that my lips had formed. I moved over and sat on the couch beside Arizona, letting out a sigh of relief. I leaned my elbows on my knees and placed my head in my hands, just needing a moment to myself to think.

Arizona seemed to know that I needed a minute and she stayed quiet, when I glanced up she was frowning also. My mind was racing faster than it ever had before and I wasn't sure why I felt so scared. I thought I was fine so I took my hands away from my face, but then tears began to form in my eyes and I had to cover my face again and take deep breaths. 

"Where's my room?" I asked, still hiding my face. My voice was obviously cracking but I just hoped that Arizona wouldn't mention it, but of course I was wrong, she was too kind for her own good. "Ames... are you okay?" Arizona tried to be gentle, putting her hand on my back but this caused me to explode, more than she was expecting. I jumped up and away from her and held my hands into two fists, standing up and shielding myself. 

"DO NOT CALL ME AMES!!!!" I yelled as loud as I could, whacking my fist into the wall so she would pay attention. Tears started rolling down my face but I ignored them, not bothering to wipe them away. "I'm. Not. Okay. Alright? I'm not! But you shouldn't care anymore, I left you, I broke you. So don't feel bad for me! Feel bad for yourself damn it!" I cried and collapsed onto the ground, crying as the tears poured onto the floor. 

"Amelia..." Arizona sighed and nervously approached me. She knelt down and grabbed my head softly, picking it up and looking me in the eyes. 

"I'm sorry for calling you that, if it truly did upset you" Arizona began, the honesty showing in her eyes alongside her the tone in her voice. "And before you left, I knew you quite well and I know you didn't mean to hurt me but we should try and work on the running, alright?" Her voice was tender and soft, as if she was talking to a broken puppy.

I wasn't sure if I should run or collapse into Arizona's arms so I just sat there for a couple of seconds before deciding. I sighed, too tired to run so I let myself fall into Arizona's arms and began to sob. "I missed you so much but I was so scared that you hated me or moved on" I sobbed and immediately regretted saying it afterwards. 

"Fuck" I grumbled under my breath. I quickly stood up and ran out the door, running again like I always do. I ran down to the staircase and sat on it, but then I heard familiar footsteps walking down the stairs towards me.


	4. World

A/N: Yes, I wrote the majority of this chapter at 12-4am, but we don't talk about that aha. Any errors, that's why ~ 𝒜𝒹𝒹𝒾𝑒 ❤️ 

Amelia's POV

I sighed to myself, knowing that it was Arizona but I decided not to run; letting her sit down beside me. We both stayed silent for a few seconds, before I began muttering to myself. "Damn it, damn it, damn it" 

"It's okay" Arizona said softly, placing her hand on my back but I ignored her. "Idiot, idiot, idiot" I mumbled to myself, beginning to bang my head against the railing which was beside me. Arizona sighed to herself and blocked the railing with her hand, but I continued to hit my head; except now against her hand.

"You're not an idiot, it's okay, Amelia you're okay" Arizona tried to calm me down but it just wasn't working, I was too deep in my thoughts to even process the words that she was saying. All that mattered to me right in that moment was how much I hated myself for everything I had ever done. I left her, I got hooked on drugs, I was just overall a bad person. She knew it and I knew it, and the only difference between us both was the fact that she was too nice for her own good. "Amelia! Listen to me!" Arizona yelled but got no response from me. I just continued, "Screw-up, screw-up, ahh!"

Suddenly, I felt Arizona grab my face and then plant her lips on mine, kissing me for a moment before pulling away. I stopped moving completely and stayed silent, looking at her in shock. "Ames, I need you to listen to me." She finally said seriously, still holding my face so she could look me in the eyes.

"I'm still going to call you Ames, that's who you are alright? That's our thing and nobody can change that." Arizona began, the sincerity evident in her eyes. "You're not an idiot or a screw-up, I know what you're upset about but it's okay, I swear I'm okay." She explained. "I knew when I met you how unpredictable you were, so I was prepared that you would run if you got scared and it still hurt when it happened, but I'm okay" 

I stared at Arizona for what felt like forever before pulling her into a kiss once again. "I'm so sorry" My voice cracked from guilt as I took Arizona's hand into my own. "I'll do anything to make up for it, anything." I suggested, giving her a pleading look.

"Anything?" Arizona asked, her voice remaining gentle and sincere and I just nodded, continuing to give her the look. Arizona did her thinking face and then smiled at me, "Quit avoiding me" She mumbled and I nodded vigorously.

"Done!" I exclaimed a little too loudly, causing Arizona to giggle a little. She stayed silent for another minute before asking, "Ames, did you ever just move on and forget about me, when you moved away to- wherever that was? Or did you not think about me?" 

I sighed, realising if I didn't tell her the truth now I would be kidding myself. "No, I never forgot about you nor did I move on; I tried to date some men but it just wasn't the same" I began and then looked down at my lap in sadness. "I got scared because I fell for you, and that was new and scary and I didn't know what to do, so I ran. I got too scared to go back even though I missed you with all my heart" I confessed and then looked back up at her. "You probably thought I was just a fuckgirl" I added as tears began forming in my eyes once again.

Arizona's face had completely changed when I looked back up, I wasn't sure why but the slight look of curiosity was wiped away and it seemed to be replaced with sadness and guilt; although I wasn't sure why. "Oh honey..." Arizona finally spoke with a pure delicacy in her voice as if she sort of understood where I was coming from; even though I doubt she did. "Have you been hurting like this the whole time?" 

I nodded and Arizona moved forward, leaning her head on my shoulder. "Were you scared of people judging you?" She asked and I immediately jumped away and stood up, "O-o-of course not!" I fought her off, pushing her away but it was pretty obvious that she had hit the sensitive spot for me, even though I wouldn't admit it. "Were you?" She persists, looking up at me and piercing me with her vibrant blue eyes.

I stared back into Arizona's eyes and tried to hide how I was feeling. "Did you think I just used you?" I asked, dodging her question this time. She shook her head no and waited a moment before putting her words together, "No, I knew you well enough to know you wouldn't do that and that you were also liable to run when you got scared" Arizona explained and I just nodded along with her, glad that she didn't think I used her or anything mean like that. "Were you scared, of being judged?" She asked once again.

"Yes, yes alright? More than I can even explain, that's the main reason" I admitted, sitting back down on the staircase beside Arizona once again. "I just didn't want to tell you because you're so confident and prideful and I'm just here trying to pretend to be something I'm not just because I'm scared and... I hate it" I sighed, looking down at my lap because I couldn't bare to look at Arizona. 

"You think I'm confident?" Arizona mumbled to herself but I stayed quiet, pretending I didn't hear her. She stayed silent for a couple of seconds to think of what to say and leaned forward, picking up my chin so I was facing her. "I'm not confident, no one is" 

"How about we go back up to the apartment and get ourselves some hot chocolate, huh?" Arizona asked and I nodded, trying to understand what she meant by everything she had said earlier. "What about coffee? I need an energy boost" I mentioned and Arizona smiled and laughed, "Me too, come on let's go" 

Arizona stood up and took my hand into hers, pulling me up and then running up the stairs, making me run after her. She arrived at the apartment first and turned on the coffee pot and I ran in afterwards, closing the door after myself and moving over to sit on the countertop. 

"Hey, get down from there!" Arizona laughed, poking me on the arm. I began laughing also but crossed my arms to show her that I wasn't going to budge. Arizona moved over and tried to lift me off but I pushed all of my body weight down onto the countertop, so she couldn't make me budge. "Get your big butt off of where I prepare food!" She added and then began to tickle me. I fell back to avoid her tickles and my head hung off the other side of the countertop, my hair flowing down the sides. 

"How about we cut your hair?" Arizona suggested randomly and I quickly jumped up and off the countertop, grabbing my hair so she couldn't get to it. "No! Don't! I haven't cut it since Hopkins!" I yelped and we both stopped laughing as she stared for a while. "You haven't cut it since I cut it for you?" 

"Or dyed it, or bleached it, or done anything bad wash it and brush it. See, the tips are still pink from when you dyed them; although it's faded by now" I explained, holding my hair out to show the pink split ends that were hardly noticeable anymore. Arizona looked like she didn't know what to do but then she moved over, giving me a hug and then jumping away quickly. "Rosemary?" She gasped at the scent of my hair and I laughed at her response.

"Shocked you didn't notice earlier; Faith in Nature Rosemary shampoo and all, exact same" I smirked pridefully, thanking myself for never changing my routine in years. "Woah" Arizona mumbled in shock before walking back over to the coffee pot and pouring two cups; one for each of us.

I watched happily as Arizona didn't ask me what I took in my coffee and put one dash of milk alongside two teaspoons of sugar before she stirred it and handed it to me. I thought I was just getting the coffee but I was pleasantly surprised when Arizona looked into one of the cabinets and grabbed a packet of coffee biscuits, placing them on the countertop beside me.

I went and sat on the couch with my biscuits and Arizona followed, sitting on the other end of the couch though so it wouldn't be too crowded nor awkward. Although, the staircase wasn't that wide and we both sat beside each other anyways. "Is it crazy to say I still have feelings for you?" I finally spoke up and Arizona shrugged.

"Depends, tell me what 'men' you dated the last while and I'll tell you" Arizona smirked and I  
sighed, looking down at my cup and running my finger along the rim like I always did when I got nervous. "It's not a nice story, Ari" I mumbled and took another sip from my coffee before continuing to run my finger along the rim. "I don't mind, try and tell me"

"Lots of one night stands and a few short relationships that I don't even remember much; but there was Ryan." I started and tears already began to form in my eyes as I said his name. "He... I'm sorry, I can't" My voice cracked and I glanced up at Arizona, who just nodded in understanding. "The bathrooms there" Arizona pointed to a room down the hall, immediately reading what I was thinking and I rushed into the bathroom, locking it after myself and washing my face.

I couldn't tell her, I could never tell her. It hurt too bad, and I know if I tell her I could have almost had a kid right now it would just upset her far too much. I loved Ryan, yes, he helped me deal with my pain from when I left Arizona. But I loved Arizona more, I always had. I didn't understand why she wanted to know about the men I was with so badly, they're in the past. But then again, she was in my past once before and now she's back, so maybe that's what she's afraid of.

I walked out of the bathroom and sat back down on the couch. "He's dead, not going into details. You don't have to worry about him." I said bluntly and Arizona just nodded, "I'm so sor-" She began to apologise. "No, it's fine. I should go, though." I interrupted her and stood up once again, heading to the doorway. 

"Wait! Ames! Where are you going to sleep?" Arizona asked worriedly and I just sighed silently to myself. "I have a place, don't worry" I reassured her and walked out, closing the door behind myself. I walked down the stairs and unlocked my car, immediately opening the passengers seat and the back seat door. I shoved all my bags and stuff over to the side and pushed the seat back fully, grabbing a blanket to drape over myself and another one to use as a pillow. It wasn't the ideal situation, but it worked. It worked before, it'll work again. 

I would go to the on-call rooms to sleep but as the name suggests, they're for people who are on-call. Not for people whom are too upset to go and sleep in their own damn apartment. The last thought I had was about how I wondered if Arizona was okay or if I upset her, but before I could dwell on it my eyes fluttered shut and asleep I went.

——————

I awoke to a light tapping on the window and a slightly louder voice saying, "Amelia, wake up!" 

I grumbled and opened my eyes and it was dark, quite darker compared to the midday sun which I had fallen asleep to. When I looked out the window I saw Arizona in a set of gloves, a hat and a bulky jacket. I wondered why she had so many layers on until I realised, she was probably going to go on the hunt for me.

I sighed and rolled down my window, "What?" I mumbled and instead of speaking, she reached her hand inside the car and placed it against my forehead. "You're freezing!" She noted, a slight twinge of guilt in her voice. "Please, come back to the apartment, just for tonight. You're going to freeze to death" Arizona plead but I just pouted in response.

"I wasn't cold until I opened the window for you" I growled and started to roll the window up again, but I was stopped by Arizona sticking her hand in the window. "Ames. Out, now." She said seriously and I thought about my options for a second. I could stay out here in this cold car arguing, or I could go inside to the apartment with her and get a good nights sleep. I was stubborn, but I ultimately decided to go with her to the apartment, because even though I wouldn't admit it I was freezing. 

I opened the door and hit Arizona in the process, causing her to be pushed back and I got out, slamming the door as hard as I could when I got out. I didn't say anything to her but I started walking into the apartment building; letting her follow me. "I wasn't mad at you, until you woke me" I grumbled and she caught up with me, starting to walk alongside me. "Sorry.." She sighed to herself.

When I arrived at the apartment I just stomped over to the couch, laying on it. "You know you have a room right?" Arizona bit her lip and I nodded, "I'm fine here" I replied and then Arizona walked into another room and grabbed a couple of blankets, handing them to me. "Thanks..." I grumbled and snuggled up to the blankets that I had been giving, enjoying the scent of vanilla. It surprised Arizona that I still used the same scented shampoo and it surprised me that she still used the same scented laundry detergent to wash everything.

"Goodnight" Arizona smiled but I could still see the sadness on her face as she walked into her room, closing the door after herself. All I could think about was her once again, and how I'd be able to find another affordable apartment in the centre of Seattle; I can't stay here forever, it's too awkward.


	5. You

Amelia's POV

When I awoke I was in bed next to Arizona; what the hell happened? I remembered falling asleep on the couch, not here, not with her, not in this bed. I began to panic, wondering what I did last night but I was calmed down by a voice beside me.

"In the middle of the night you had a nightmare and came in so I helped you get back to sleep" Arizona explained, I still couldn't remember but I believed her. I completely forgot that I was 'angry' at her for a moment and I muttered, "Thank you so much, Ari"

I immediately regretted what I said but I knew I couldn't take it back, so I just grumbled to myself. "Someone's grumpy" Arizona joked as she stretched her arms and yawned, she had obviously just woken up also.

Arizona's stomach grumbled and interrupted the silence and so did mine, "I'm hungry" I groaned and she laughed, nodding because she was hungry also. I sat up in the bed and then stood up, pouting and stomping away from Arizona, out the bedroom door.

"What are you doing?" She called out but I ignored her, throwing my shoes on and just leaving. "Ameliaaa!" I heard her yell but I was on my way to get us breakfast; but just thinking about the fact that she was worrying about where I was going made me chuckle.

I knew she wouldn't follow me because she was in her pyjamas, but I just hoped she wouldn't get too upset. I mean, once she sees all my stuff and my car is still there she should be alright. 

As I walked down the stairs of the apartment complex, I thought of what I should get us for breakfast. I debated between muffins, breakfast rolls or scrambled eggs but I ultimately decided on pancakes; because they were Arizona's favourite after all. So, I walked to the local coffee shop and ordered the pancakes, making sure to get maple syrup, Nutella and butter. I liked Nutella but if I remember correctly, Arizona liked butter and maple syrup.

I reached into my pocket and grabbed my phone, biting my lip in guilt when I saw that I had several missed calls from Arizona. I decided to just leave my phone back in my pocket though, because I would be back to her apartment soon with food. I'll apologise then and hopefully everything will be okay, as long as it goes according to plan.

"I brought food!" I would announce as I walked in the door and Arizona would come running over, giving me a hug. She would begin to explain how she was worried but is glad I'm okay and I'd apologise, placing the food on the countertop and showing Arizona that I got her favourite. She would thank me and we would eat before I tell her that I'm going to look for a new apartment; that's the plan. 

So, I paid the worker and took my bag of goodies, happily bouncing down the sidewalk as I headed back to Arizona's apartment. I think I really just needed a moment alone, just so that I would be in the proper headspace before talking to Arizona, so I wouldn't say anything wrong.

I quickly arrived back at the building and ran up the stairs, knocking on the door of her apartment. I crossed my fingers behind my back in hope that everything would go well and that she wouldn't be too mad and I held my breath, until she opened the door.

"Amelia!" She yelled, jumping into my arms and holding me tightly. I gasped in shock at the sudden hug and then I bit my lip, beginning to feel guilty once again. "I- are you okay?" I asked, pushing her away lightly and smiling reassuringly.

"I thought you left for good again, damn it!" She growled, punching me on the arm. "Owww..." I grumbled, holding up the bag of pancakes that I had bought. "I went for breakfast! Pancakes, actually. They're your favourite, right?" I explained and she smiled a little in response. 

"You remembered?" Arizona's smile grew wider as she grabbed my hand, dragging me in the door. "Of course I did, with maple syrup and butter?" I asked and she shook her head. "Not anymore, I like Nutella sorry, but it's fine" Arizona laughed and I quirked up one of my eyebrows.

"Nutella?" I mumbled in confusion and she just nodded, "Mmh, Nutella" She responded, now also confused at why I was making such a fuss. "That's my favourite, you used to hate it" I wondered out loud and she shrugged, "Things change over time, Ames."

I placed the bag on the countertop and got the two plates of pancakes, giving Arizona my Nutella and deciding to just have plain pancakes instead. "Are you sure?" She asked and I just nodded, putting the plates on the table so that both of us could eat. 

Arizona grabbed forks for us and placed them on the table also before we both began eating. "I missed you" I sighed and Arizona just stared at me for a moment, thinking about what she should say back.

"Sometimes... sometimes I wondered if you remembered the way we looked at each other or maybe you just... forgot" Arizona smiled with melancholy as she took a bite from her pancake. It still threw me off that she had them with Nutella now, but I just guessed that her tastebuds changed over the years. "I clung onto anything that reminded me of you; wether that be certain snacks, places and even scents" She sighed, not daring to look me in the eye.

"Did you forget? Over time I mean, did you forget about what we had?" Arizona finally asked, looking up and staring into my eyes. Her blue eyes felt as if they were piercing my soul and as the silence continued, I saw a small tear begin to form. I decided that I had to speak up soon if I didn't want to hurt Arizona even more, so I did. "No, I didn't" I responded truthfully, breaking the eye contact by looking out the window. "I never forgot, it just hurt too much to remember; so I tried not to"

"But you're the one who left, if it hurt why didn't you just come back?" She asked and I decided that if I wanted to ever be fully honest with her; now was the time. "I didn't want to leave" I blurted out quickly, biting my bottom lip. Arizona just gave me a confused look as she tilted her head and raised her eyebrow. "I got too attached and I didn't want my bad luck to end up hurting you or something, I wanted you to be safe. So I left."

"You were trying to keep me safe..?" Arizona questioned, furrowing her eyebrows to show that she was still confused. I just nodded and took another bite from my pancake, trying to fixate on the plate and forget that she was there for a moment, so I could calm down. "Oh..." I heard her mutter but I didn't see her expression, I was too scared to look. 

That's when I heard a buzzing and looked up, noticing that Arizona was now holding her pager in her hands with a tight grip. "I have to go" She frowned and stood up. She walked out the door and I just watched her leave. I knew she would be back soon; but I couldn't help but imagine how Arizona felt when I just got up and left like that. This guilt is becoming overbearing, I'm not sure of what to do with it.


End file.
